Written in 2016
Hi! My name is Rosie. I actually really do love you, and I mean that now.
Before, this wasn’t true. Why?
I lived a life seeped in religion. In other words, bondage, at it’s finest.
I grew up in church and by the time I was 18, I was a perfectionist at slipping on a “believers mask”.
For a long time, I thought that mask was the real me. I did and said all the right things, I turned up my nose to sin, and worked really hard at controlling my flesh.
I had a pathetic relationship with God, but I could tell you all about him. Oh could I tell you about him.
I read my bible faithfully and prayed every morning. And when I didn’t, I felt guilty. I would wake up wondering how to live my Christian life every. single. day.
I listened to hours of teachings. I took classes, went to weekends, held leadership positions.
I was ‘happy’.
I led a comfortable life with lots of friends, and thought God was VERY pleased with all of my efforts.
But, on the inside, I still struggled with sin and mounds of unbelief.
I hated the way I looked. I hated my weight. I hated my voice. I hated my failed efforts.
I hated that I didn’t pray enough. I was afraid, I was incredibly judgmental,
and worst of all,
I was a know-it-all elitist.
Pride was my weapon and I was really good at calling it “the word of God”.
This is not a bash on my Church. I believe this happens in EVERY CHURCH. In simple terms:
I looked in my bible and saw what was right. I tried to line up my life to be right…. With my own efforts.
So what changed?
I was tired. I was SO tired. I was tired of thinking I knew it all- because it wasn’t working. I was tired of “trying to believe”. I was tired of singing empty praises. I was tired of putting up a front. I was tired of studying my bible and getting excited about ‘new knowledge’ only to end up angry with myself and other people.
I envied people who were outside of my box, and I envied their freedom.
So what did I do?
In my room, with no one around, I asked God for help. To this day I can close my eyes and remember the exact moment.
“HELP GOD, PLEASE. HELP. I’M TIRED. I’M SO TIRED. GOD. IF YOU ARE THERE, PLEASE HELP ME.”
I had prayed this before and God would start to answer my prayers…. but pride would get in my way and I would close him up. God was intense.
The next day, I did the same thing I always did. I tried controlling my flesh.
But I browsed Amazon’s Christian parenting books and I ended up buying
Parenting The Whole Hearted Child by Jeannie Cunnion.
When it came in the mail, I put my daughter down for an early nap, curled up on my couch with some coffee, and started to read.
I thought I was reading a book on parenting. BUT.
Grace spoke to me within the pages of this book, and that’s all I needed to get started.
One of Jeannie’s many quotes spoke loud and clear to me:
“On most days I acted like Jesus’ final three words on the cross were “make me proud” instead of the actual three words he exhaled, “it is finished.”
This was October 22nd, 2015.
I cried and cried and cried. I called my husband and practically yelled “THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN MISSING.” I frantically texted all of my friends. I posted on FaceBook. I wanted the WORLD TO KNOW.
This was only the beginning.
So many more prayers and questions sprung from that book and God put countless people and situations into my life that shouted
“AMAZING GRACE, HOW SWEET THE SOUND, THAT SAVED A WRETCH LIKE ME”.
I met Jesus. I MET JESUS. I met his grace. I finally stopped trying and started looking at his glory. At 28 and 29 years old, I finally started to understand how grace worked.
This is why I started my blog. To help other Christians find grace, too.
To me, grace is summed up in these two verses:
2 Corinthians 3:17-18 New Living Translation (NLT)
17 For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image
No joke, looking at the glory of the Lord has radically changed me and is he is still continually changing me into his image.
I. STOPPED. TRYING.
I. STARTED. BEHOLDING.
We do not have to change ourselves. I am not joking.
That’s it. No more controlling the flesh. No more failed efforts. No more fake relationship. No more setting up comfortable circumstances to keep me happy.
Amazing grace comes by looking at his glory.
Do you struggle with living the Christian life? Are you tired yet?
Start looking at him. He is beautiful. He is so beautiful.
Start beholding the Lord’s glory. He will change your life, I promise.