The days I doubt God are days that start out like any other-I wake up to the pitter patter of little feet and little voices demanding food. I toss and turn, and I beg for more silence.
Sleepy eyed- I prepare breakfast, I pour coffee, I wipe faces and tables. And then I sit. I wait for clearer thoughts while tiny hands and loud voices require attention. Days demand action! Wake up Ro, they need you.
But then the lie comes as a soft question and I entertain it longer than I should:
“What if those tender whispers are really my own?”
The days I pursue this thought without a solid battle plan, I end down a path that leaves me feeling empty and scared: Without actually seeking God, I talk at him….
“Why did this happen to __? Where were you when___? Why haven’t you answered __ ? Are you listening? Are you even there? ”
The questions get worse, but you get the point.
And yes, this happens to me. The girl who has seen and experienced healings, answered prayers, daily victories. The girl who reads her bible and clings to Jesus with all her heart. God is SO good and his word is always true.
You see my friend? We all enter into battles of Faith Vs. Circumstance. Faith is confidence in what we hope for, the evidence of things unseen.
Sometimes circumstances still win.
There are beautiful hearts out there who were fighting for the faith but the loss left deep scars. The heart was not placed in intensive care so beautifully made available by the body of Christ. It was not surrounded by relentless love mixed with timely and pure words of God.
And then what happens? A new reconstructed idea of God forms to cope with the loss.
And we say,
“They should have _____. They didn’t do _____. If only they______.”
I want to stop placing judgement on those who have lost their faith, and I want to start fiercely loving them instead. I want to chalk up the loss and blame it on the devil. Because that’s where the blame goes.
I want to reach out and watch Jesus lift that person out of their wheelchair.
I want to listen while someone word vomits all over me. And then instead of getting scared or judgmental, I want to hug them. I want to ask them over for a cup of coffee. I want to live the life of Christ in me, reach out, and with Gods beautiful word, begin to mend wounds.
That’s what someone did for me. They listened. They loved. They cared. They saw me through the eyes of Jesus when I was struggling with faith.
Jesus never gave up. Ever. He dealt with sin, carnality, and unbelief his entire life. When he was on the cross, he never said, “That’s it, I’VE HAD ENOUGH”
He loved them until the end.
Yes, I agree we shouldn’t yolk with those who deny Christ. We need to yolk with fellow lovers of light.
But I’m not asking for us to yolk, I’m asking for us to love. And too often, we separate ourselves completely… and we appear as self righteous haters. No, this is not our intention. But we live with heads in the ground if we are not willing to admit our own frailty.
Love involves time spent in the trenches with beautiful hearts who have been hurt by the enemy. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not self seeking. And love covers a multitude of sins.
And instead of focusing on the mote in their eye, I want to take out my beam. I want to build my faith, the only way I know how.
By hearing the word of God.
By walking out on the word of God
By spending time with the one who wrote the word of God.
By looking at the glory of Jesus, who is continually transforming me to his image
2 Timothy 2:24-26 New Living Translation (NLT)
24 A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. 25 Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth. 26 Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.